I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
