Are we in a gay sports bar?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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