So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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