atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
