I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize