my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
