I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
