he thought i was a dude.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
