plz talk dirty to me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
