Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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