nutella sex= disaster
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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