dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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