saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
