He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize