Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
