No stitches, just platelets and will power
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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