I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She told me I should be a condom model.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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