there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
