i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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