A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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