this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
