I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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