the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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