Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
