If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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