I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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