Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
