I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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