Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
