Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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