I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
