So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
