i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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