Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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