i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
