I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize