Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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