we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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