Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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