All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize