all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
