We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
