Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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