I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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