She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
