Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
