did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Randomize
