Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize