it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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