So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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