i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize