I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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