Non-Jews are for practice
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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