my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
