She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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