so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
