help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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