cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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